This is hard for me to write, so I'm sorry in advance if it seems a little scattered brained and doesn't make sense, but i posted a status on Facebook last night saying that I was feeling sad. I just need to let my feelings out and just let everyone know that I am okay.
So last night we were in bed and Jude brought his Curious George doll with him. He was hugging, kissing and cuddling him like he was a little baby. It seriously the cutest thing I have ever seen. He is so sensitive to other people and even his little George and I felt happy for the moment. and then my happiness turned into sadness. I thought to myself wow how cute he thinks George is a baby, oh but he probably won't have a baby of is own in the future. and for one of the first times, in a long time, I went back to that place where I haven't really been since Jude was born. I went back to this place of mourning. Mourning the future that I thought my precious baby would have, to fall in love get married and have a family with little babies. and right now my heart just hurts for him. I just can't get over that he might not know that unconditional love that I feel for both of my kids. that bond that cannot be broken by anything. Just that feeling like wow I cannot believe I created something so precious, pure and beautiful.
And I know that even Noah might not even be able to have children of his own, because who truly knows what the future holds, but he will have other options to consider like adopting and he will have that bond with that other little person. but with Jude he will not be able to do that. and i know that me being sad about Jude's future is being selfish because those are my dreams that i want for him and he might not want the same dreams as me but i cannot help and feel pain right now.
my precious baby Jude, I am so sorry that your life is not the easiest road to be on, and i hope that you never feel like you are missing out on something like have children. and if you do I am so sorry and i wish i could take away your pain. I know that the future is not certain for anyone but i truly hope that you find something that truly makes you feel alive and you never have to feel like there is anything different about you. you are the my most precious gift and i am so blessed that you are here, my world is so beautiful because you are in it. and I love you so much. I will always be here for you and i hope you never have to feel an ounce of sadness
Meghan
ReplyDeletePlease don't keep Jude's cup half empty....It is more full than the cups of many children in this world. He knows more love than sooooo many children. He is God's child and he is blessed. The first blessing came when you chose to have him and he will continue to be blessed by the wonderful family he has. Having children is not the only way to be loved. He already knows unconditional love; you have taught him that. That is why he is able to show love to his George. He will find a way to show his love and he will be a blessing in the lives of so many...God has a plan for his wonderful heart...Have faith and don't sell him short!!! Smile for what he does have and what he will have. That way his cup will always be full!!
Meghan, I agree with Reneecb. No one knows what their future holds. Anything could happen. Even the best of plans always change. Who knows maybe Jude will fall in love with a woman who already has a child and then Jude would become a step-dad. We don't know what Gods plan is for us we can just hope and have faith. Be strong and Jude will learn from you to do the same. God Bless, and have faith. :)
Deletethanks renee...I def don't see Jude's cup as half empty and i know that me and my family has so much love for him i don't doubt that at all...i know that he will have so much to look forward to in the future and i am beyond proud of him...its just a bump in my road a moment of vulnerability...i know that i will soon get over this but for right now I'm something that bothers me and i wanted to share my feelings...but i know that Jude has huge things ahead of him
DeleteI have a child of my own who has the downs & I def understand where your coming from, & it's normal to feel that way sometimes but I love the fact that you are giving so much love & you have so much love to give! God bless you & your kids, you're a wonderful mother & they're truly blessed to have you!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThat is the sweetest photo of your boys!! It's OK to have concerns for Jude's future. I think all of us with kids with DS do from time to time. I have no doubt that he will have a fulfilling future with huge amounts of things he loves. He's on the right track already with a family who adores him x x x
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